Blood, Sweat and Tears
by bigred08
Summary: [RayNeela] Pt. 1: Ray and Neela both have taxing cases, hers has seriously affected her. In helping Neela, Ray learns something else they have in common. Pt. 2: A year later she slips up, and Ray is there to help. Pt. 3: Another year later, Ray slips up
1. Long Day

**Blood, Sweat and Tears**

**Disclaimer**: You know it, I know it. I own none of the characters. **ALSO PLEASE NOTE**: I borrowed the storyline of Ray finding Neela in the rain at the beginning from ShadowDiva (but then took it in a different direction.) I did talk to her, and I post this with her permission! Read her story too. _When the Rain Comes._ It's good.

**Spoilers**: I wrote it soon after 'I do,' so anything up to that is fair game. A few details did end up happening, which hadn't as of the time I wrote this. Also, Susan never left, Neela never moved out of Ray's apartment, and Ray never got kicked out of his band.

**Rating**: M (good amount of strong language; allusions to abuse; graphic self-violence; a bit of sensuality/sexuality)

**Content Warning**: Self-violence/suicide and abuse are touchy subjects, hence the rating.

**A/N**: This is my first non-one-shot fic. I'm not yet addicted to feedback, but feel free to get me hooked. This is NOT an entirely HAPPY story! It shows a strong friendship between Ray and Neela, which then develops. But it is a situation I would wish on _no one._ AU and (probably by definition) OOC. I hope. 3 parts. The chapters are very variable in length. Sorry. I just felt that's where the story broke.

_Italics_ are Ray's thoughts. Things in brackets are Neela's thoughts.

**Summary**:  
Part I (16 chapters): Ray deals with a "taxing case;" finds out Neela did too, but hers has seriously affected her. In helping Neela he learns something else they have in common.

Part II (4 chapters): A year later she slips up, and Ray is there to help.

Part III (5 chapters): Another year later, Ray slips up and Neela is there for him.

Ok, I'm done…enjoy!

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Part I 

**I.1. Long Day**

It was a long day. There had been worse, for sure, but this one seemed never ending. He'd worked here at County for almost 2 years, but still could not completely get used to the stress of it. But part of his job, he decided, was to pretend it didn't bother him, so he took a deep breath and swallowed. This was his last patient and then he was going home. As he walked down the hall to the last exam room, he thought about what he had in the fridge that he could whip up into some sort of edible meal.

_Lettuce_. _I know we have lettuce. Why am I so sure we have lettuce? Well, Ray, because Neela said she'd kill you if you didn't get it yesterday, and you're not dead, so you must have gotten it. _Ray smiled. _What else do we have though? I don't know, Neela only told me to get lettuce. Having this conversation confirms you need to go home. _He knew it was getting late when he started having conversations in his head. But they amused him. _That's what happens when you're an only child_, he thought, _you learn to amuse yourself._

He hoped this would be an easy case. He glanced down at the chart in his hands and saw that it was a 7 year old girl. _Great,_ he thought, _but with any luck this will be one of those really sweet ones, and not some little brat. _He shook his head slightly with that comment. He loved kids. Sure, they could be annoying, but that was mean! _I'm glad I am talking to myself, 'cause that would not have gone over well with _any_ listener._

He stepped into the room, apparently startling the little girl. Two beautiful blue eyes shot up to look at him, dark brown curls bouncing at the sudden movement. He smiled at her. _She's a sweetheart_.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Barnett, what seems to be the problem here, Miss," glancing quickly down at the chart, "Samantha…" his voice trailed off as he saw her thigh out of the corner of his eye. _That would be the problem, Barnett, could it be any more obvious? _ There was a gash, almost 12 cm across on her left thigh.


	2. Brave Little Girl

**PLEASE **take note of all the disclaimers and stuff in the first chapter! (And seriously, if I owned them, why would I be writing here and not at NBC? I only own the patients, Samantha and Dina, and their mother.)

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**I.2. Brave Little Girl**

"I got a owie." Samantha's voice was disconcertingly calm for such a young child with a cut that big. It was then that he realized she was the only one in the room. _That's not right._ _Sure, at this age kids are independent, but usually Mom pipes up to talk to the doctor. There should at least be a nurse…_

"Sorry, Samantha, there wasn't a blanket next door, so I…oh, hi Dr. Barnett!" Sam smiled at him.

"Well, it's a Samantha party in here isn't it?" Ray chuckled as he realized the two shared a name.

Samantha giggled. _Kids are so cute. _Sam laid the blanket around Samantha's shoulders as Ray put the chart as the foot of her bed and pulled a stool over.

"Well, now that you are here Dr. Barnett, I suppose I can head out?" Sam said as a statement more than a question.

"Uhh, sure." She was already stepping out the door. "So, Samantha, is your Mommy or Daddy here?"

"No, Mommy left, she said she was 'too busy for this crap,'" she blushed a little bit and couldn't hide a half smile. "I'm not supposed to say that. Don't tell her I said that." The last sentence sounded so different from her earlier singsong voice. Fear was the only word that could describe it.

"Oh." Realizing his voiced sounded anything but reassuring, he added more cheerfully, "well, let's get this owie cleaned up, shall we?" _Way to not let things bother you Ray._

"Okay." Her singsong voice was back.

"I'll be right back, okay?" He smiled at her, and she smiled back. He took that as an affirmative. He stood up and grabbed the chart. Not wanting to leave her entirely alone, he stepped out of the room, but kept his foot in the door to keep it from closing all the way. "Sam!" He was relieved she was still close by at the nurses' station. He wanted to keep Samantha in eyesight, Sam inferred as much, and came over to him as he continued. "Did you know Samantha's mother left her here?"

"Yeah, that's actually why I wasn't there when you came in—I had just tried to chase her down. I said I was going to get Samantha a blanket, and when I left, the mother followed me out. All I could get her to say was 'do whatever you want with the little bitch, I don't want her.'" Sam's voice got more and more sad as she completed her sentence. She swallowed a lump in her throat. "I know I got frustrated with Alex, but I never could have left him, even in the care of a hospital," she added more quietly, more to herself than to Ray.

"Uhh, yeah, you're normal, Sam," it came out harsher than he intended. He was already angry at the woman who would just left her child, and she could hear it in his voice. Sam looked up at him, surprised at his display of emotion, however small. "Call…call social services, please…no, go wait with Samantha until I get back…Chuny!" The other nurse was reading the nearby bulletin board. Ray pushed the door open with his foot and Sam returned to the little girl's room. One could tell it was a slow night when the nurses were reading the bulletin boards. "Can you call social services for me?"

"Sure, no problem, Ray."

"Thanks." He sounded appreciative, but also obviously frustrated.

Ray came back to the room with a suture kit. Samantha was "casting" the nurse's arm with gauze, her laughter filling the otherwise quiet room. _How could someone not love this child?_

"Alright, Samantha, let's fix you up!"

"Okaaayyyy, Raaayyy" she giggled at the rhyme. He smiled back at her. _Seriously, how is she not the perfect child?_

"This medicine will hurt some, Samantha, but then it will go away, okay?" he explained to her as he filled the syringe with Lidocaine. Having pulled her attention from bandaging Sam's arm, and seeing the needle, Samantha's face dropped.

"No, no, no, Mommy says I'm not 'upposed to touch the needles! Only she gives me 'n Dina what we need." Samantha's words made Ray's stomach turn as he pulled the needle from the bottle. Placing the drug back on the tray, he looked over at Sam. She nodded at him, with immediate understanding. She slid the bandage off her arm, and pulled open the drawer behind her, gathering the colorful topped vials for taking blood.

"Should we check her for everything, Ray?" He nodded in response. She pulled down a cup for a urinalysis. "Get psych?" He nodded again. Sam quickly left the room.


	3. Too Brave

Disclaimers and such with the first chapter! (Don't sue me, it's an un-needed hassle for everyone. I don't own the ER characters.)

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**I.3. Too Brave**

Turning his focus back to Samantha he gave her a quick once-over looking for any other injuries. Not immediately noticing anything, he gave his head a slight shake and decided to focus on the gash in her leg, and then try to figure other things out. _Are there any drug interactions with Lidocaine? Think! No, I don't think there are…but don't fuck this up Ray._

"Samantha, it's okay. This is not for Mommy, it's for you, and it will make your cut not hurt, okay?" She eyed him warily, but slowly nodded. "Ready?" She nodded again. "A little pinch…" She remained perfectly still. _What child doesn't flinch at a needle? Especially at the site of a laceration of this size…_He felt his stomach flip again as he answered his own question. _One whose mother is a damn drug addict and fucks her kids up too._

He quickly sutured up the cut. She watched him intently the whole time, silently. No more giggles floated through the room. Her smile had faded. She focused completely on his hands as they worked.

"Are you going to make the policemen come to my house again?" Her voice was soft and scared.

"What do you mean, sweetie?" As he tied off the last stitch, he looked up into her eyes, now wide with fright.

"When Dina came here Mommy said it was her fault the policemen came to my house. She said we shouldn't talk to the policemen. She said they were bad. They would make me go far away, and never ever see Dina again." _Dina? That sounds so familiar. Ugh, it's not the name of some band grou—no, DINA! Dina was that adorable little child a few weeks ago! She had a…broken arm? Yeah, and suspected child abuse…_

He couldn't ever remember being rendered speechless, especially by a child. This situation was too bizarre. _Dina. _Sam came back into the room, followed by Wendell. _Say something Ray. This_ _is when you can make the child feel better. This_ _is why you became a doctor. This_ _is when you don't show how much it gets to you._

"Sam!" _Or you could say something,_ he thought glancing back at Samantha, the unexpected raising a half smile on his face. Her voice was happy, but her fear was poorly masked, if she was even trying to mask it in the first place. Relieved that Sam was now talking to her, he bandaged up the wound while Sam got ready to take her blood.

"Hey sweetie! This is my friend Wendell. She wants to talk to you, okay?"

"Okay." Her voice had lost all excitement, now sounding tired and scared again.

"She's really nice, I'll bet you can bandage her up too!" Ray's comment brought Samantha's smile back. "Alright, Samantha, your owie is going to get better now. It might hurt, and if it does, tell me and I'll try—I'll make it better, okay?" The words felt awkward in Ray's mouth. Her previous words echoing in his head, he added, "you can tell us if it hurts. You won't get in trouble. Deal?" She smiled for him. _Please let that mean she will._ "I am going to talk to Wendell right outside, but she will be right back, okay?" He hadn't used all of the tools in the suture kit. He snipped the needle off the thread, held the thread up along with a hemostat, and asked, "do you want to practice your suturing?" She smiled her warm smile again and took the supplies from Ray. _Beautiful child. Absolutely beautiful._


	4. Go Home

**Disclaimers **are still with chapter one. (I still don't own the ER characters.)

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**1.4. Go Home**

With that, Wendell and Ray left, and Sam took the little girl's blood. She didn't flinch at that needle either. Ray told Wendell what Samantha had told him. Wendell nodded and pursed her lips, knowing the type of situation all too well, then stepped back inside. Sam had just finished dropping the needle into the sharps container and was showing Samantha her band aid options.

"Ohh trucks! I want the bulldozers!" _I love it when the little girls ignore the Disney princesses in favor of the trucks._

"Bulldozers it is," Sam said, placing the band aid over the needle prick. "Now Wendell is going to talk to you okay?"

"Uh huh."

Wendell sat down on the stool where Sam had sat a few moments ago, and Samantha immediately grabbed her arm to start "casting" it.

"Let's fix you up!" Samantha did her best impression of Ray. Wendell and Sam smiled at her, Ray chuckled.

"We are going to leave now, Samantha," Sam said and gave a small wave. Ray smiled at her again. The two of them then stepped outside, but remained at the door, looking in the glass window.

Sam looked up at Ray. She could see hurt and anger in his eyes.

"It'll work out Ray. She'll be okay."

"How could someone not love that child? How can she make anyone feel anything but happy?" They were both watching Wendell talk to Samantha. It looked like Samantha was slightly more interested in bandaging Wendell than talking, but Wendell was taking notes with her other had, apparently still getting useful information.

"Honestly Ray, I have no idea. I understand anger at a child, frustration, but I also understand that hurting yourself hurts your child." She glanced up at Ray. "Samantha's mother obviously doesn't."

After a full minute of silence, "Do you remember that little girl a few weeks ago…absolutely beautiful child…," those words sounding odd, unusually sad and tender, coming out of Ray's mouth, she looked up at him, "named Dina? …she had a broken arm, I think…suspicion of abuse?"

"Yeah…"

"Her sister." As he answered, it clicked for her too.

"Shit! I knew that mother looked familiar. And those two girls can't deny they're related with those wide eyes and brown curls!" Sam now sounded angry. "After the follow up, social services said they had no idea why we suspected abuse." This was followed by a few minutes of tense silence. "Wow." Anger at a person who wasn't there filled the space.

"This sucks." Ray's response caught her off guard, and she half smiled, he looked down at her with the same, sad half smile. The hurt and anger from before was still in his eyes, but fatigue was quickly pushing out the other emotions.

"Ray, go home. Wendell will get this taken care of. You look exhausted. You want me to call you if we find out anything else?"

"Yeah, that'd be great." He answered, knowing she had asked the question out of formality and that she would of course call him with any development in the case.

"Will do. And you're off tomorrow too right?" She reached up and squeezed his arm. "Have a good night."

"Yeah, and thanks Sam. I appreciate it." He stepped back into the room, glancing at Wendell, and mouthing 'sorry' for the interruption, he asked if there was anything else they needed. Both shook their heads, Samantha's curls bouncing again with the movement. "Okay, I'll see you later Wendell. Samantha I hope you feel better! Keep practicing with that bandage and you can show Dina how good you are at it." She nodded vigorously. That brought smiles to everyone's faces.


	5. That's Odd

Disclaimers and such are with the first chapter. Shockingly enough, the characters are STILL not mine!

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**I. 5. That's Odd**

Back in the locker room Ray hung up his coat, and pulled out his bag. He slammed his locker shut a little too hard and it made Neela's pop open. He noticed her bag was still there. _Oh good, it'll be nice to walk home with someone, especially Neela. She always knows what to say. (How does she?) And better yet, she can always see right through me. It's useless telling her there's nothing wrong. She knows when there is._ He grinned as he thought about his intuitive roommate. He then realized he hadn't seen Neela in a while. He gathered his things and went out to the front desk. As he passed the sink he saw a scalpel sitting on the side in a little puddle of water. _What the hell? Who would leave that in here? Why would anyone even bring it in here?_ _And you don't reuse scalpels, why would anyone rinse it off? _He thought back to his first year at County and the trauma they started in the waiting room and he had a scalpel in his pocket. _It was lucky I had taken two home and not used that one. Lucky for that guy anyway. I wonder if anyone thought that was weird. Besides Abby that is, but I think she let it go with my smart-ass comment. But I thought I was the only one weird enough to take one outside of the OR. Weird enough, or dumb enough. _He grabbed it and dropped it in the sharps container as he left the room.

"Hey, Jerry, do you know where Neela is?"

"Susan said she had a 'taxing case' and let her go home about 3 hours ago. It musta been real bad too—Susan told her not to come in tomorra."

"But all of her stuff is still here. It's in the locker room."

"Well, she was in there for a while and then I saw her walk out. She wasn't wearing a jacket, but she was booking it, running out to the car I suppose. So unless she has a twin—"

"Okay thanks, Jerry…" he replied, obviously exasperated. He didn't want to deal with Jerry's sarcasm right now. _That's odd. Maybe she didn't need to bring that bag home…and it was warm this morning, so maybe she didn't bring a coat. _It was unlike her to leave anything there or to bring anything that she didn't need in the first place, but he convinced himself that was the case. _My Roomie never ceases to surprise me…_Looking up saw it was pouring out. The temperature had dropped significantly since the morning. He was glad he had worn a jacket.

Taking a deep breath he stepped out into the downpour and started to jog to his car. A figure on the bench caught his eye. _Who the hell would be out in this? Ray, you've got to be seeing things._ He changed his course and headed over to the bench. It _was _a person, it looked like a woman, he thought. She had her elbows on her knees, and her head in her hands..._scrubs, dark arms, darker hair, Neela_?

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A/N: So here's the deal...I have all 25 chapters written, but it's a bit of a hassle to put them up here. With these 5 chapters, you've had a taste of what this story will be like. I'm more than happy to put the rest up, but only if you tell me you want it! 


	6. Neela

Let's play The Disclaimer Game. Here's how it goes--you guess if I own the ER characters. Was your answer yes? Go back ot chapter 1 and read the disclaimer. If you said no, you're a smart cookie, and you win a smiley face :)

A/N: Just FYI, I was going through and combined 2 of the later chapters, so there will be 15 not 16 like it says in the beginning. And apparently you can't use brackets, so Neela's thoughts will be **bold **instead! I'd change these things in the first A/N, but I don't know how...

THANK YOU all who gave reviews! It made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside that instead of doing work, I am updating!**  
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**I.6. Neela**

"Neela?" He had to shout over the rain. She didn't move. _Oh god, she isn't even wearing a long sleeved shirt! _He got a little closer, "Neela!" he shouted again. Still no movement. When he reached her, he put his hand on her shoulder, and said her name again, a little more gently. She was freezing. _Jerry said she left 3 hours ago._ "Neela!" he shouted once more putting both of his hand on her shoulders, forcing her to sit up. Her head jerked up at the sudden movement, and she looked straight through his eyes. He was looking into hers and saw nothing but pain and sadness.

** Don't waste your time Ray. Go home and be happy. Without me.**

He had seen her upset before, but never this kind of reaction. "Neela, Jerry said you left three hours ago…have you been out here for three hours?" he asked urgently. She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut, as though she was ashamed. He took this to be a yes.

_Oh god, Neela…C'mon Ray, now it's your turn to know what to say! _No words came to his mind…rendered speechless for the second time that hour.

He quickly took off his coat and wrapped it around her. The rain was so heavy his clothes were soaked through within a minute. He pulled her to her feet a little too forcefully. She stood, and tripped forward from the force. Regaining her balance she allowed herself to be pulled along, with Ray's arm around her shoulders. He held onto her to keep her upright, to steer her, and to keep her as close as he could to him.

When they got to the car, he maneuvered her into the front seat, with very little help from her. He ran around to the other side, and got in the driver's seat. He immediately turned on the heat, cursing it because for the first minute it was cold. He hadn't given the car time to heat up, and he knew that he was impatient and irrational. He was tired and dealing with Samantha's situation was challenging, and finding Neela in her current state didn't help matters. It scared him more than anything.

He was thankful there was no traffic, but the ride home seemed to take forever anyway. The sound of the heat blowing on high and the crashing of the rain on the roof of the car, combined with the screaming of his thoughts tormented him. _Should I have taken her back into the ER? Does she already have hypothermia? Will she be okay? What if I do something wrong? What if I fuck up the thing that matters most in my life? What if…?_ The 'what ifs' took over his brain. He had seen her upset, everyone had difficult patients at one time or another; they had all lost some traumas, that was the nature of working in an ER. This, however, was far beyond that. He looked over at her. She sat staring straight ahead. Her hands clutched the cuffs of Ray's drenched coat.

Ray was never happier to see an empty parking space in front of the apartment building. With some difficulty, he managed to get Neela out of the car and up the stairs into the building. _Do we have an elevator? I've never noticed one. Can Neela make it up the stairs? _She was moving less and less on her own, depending on him more with every step. _ Oh, there's an elevator! _He always thought hospital elevators were slow. This was agonizing. He held Neela close to himself, but knew that between the wet clothes and the fact that he was getting cold, he was not helping warm her. Finally the elevator came. _The lift. She calls it a lift. _The thought brought a smile to his face; he loved hearing her British idioms and words. _What is wrong with you Ray? That is not what you should be thinking about!_

Once they were in the apartment he took off his soaked shoes and socks then peeling his coat off of her threw it in the pile of his footwear on the floor.

"Neela, you've got to change into dry clothes. Really you should take a warm shower first."

**I don't care. I am numb, and I want to freeze.**

_Why did you wait until now to start talking about this? You've had an entire car trip and elevator ride to figure this out, you shouldn't be standing at the door trying to figure this out!_

"Neela, c'mon." Nothing. She just stood there. "Neela, if you don't do this, then I will." She gave a slight nod. "You're going to do this?" She ever so slightly shook her head. "You want me to?" He got an almost imperceptible nod in return. He wasn't even sure she nodded, and maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see. But she needed to get warm. Sooner rather than later.


	7. Warm Shower

Disclaimer still applies...

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**1.7. Warm Shower**

He took her shoes and socks off, and threw them with his shoes and coat. He led her into the bathroom and sat her on the side of the tub. He turned on the water, testing it on his wrist like baby formula, not wanting it to be too hot and burn her. When it got to be the right temperature, he pulled her up. She just stood there. He wondered if he should take her wet clothes off now.

They had been living together for about a year and a half and he had learned a few things about her very early on. While she was sure to let you know if she was mad at you, she rarely showed any other emotion. He was sure she would not like him to see her like this, having lost control of her emotions; he doubted she would like him to see her even more exposed. He also knew, however, that he could not leave her because if he did, she wouldn't do it herself. He decided that perhaps getting her into the shower would warm her up enough that she will do the rest herself. _Plus she'd get colder in the open air_. He stepped into the tub and then grabbing onto her waist lifted her into it, positioning her body under the stream of water. He held her there for a minute while the water poured down her. It flowed over her skin easily, but the folds of the clothes made small rapids. _There is no way she is getting warm if she still has these clothes on._ She stood staring straight ahead, through his chest.

**I don't want him to see me like this**. Her brain screamed at her, but her body was stubborn and refused to move. **I give up…**

"Neela?" She gave no indication that she heard him. "Neela, you need to get out of these clothes." Nothing. _As much as I want to undress her, I'm sure she does not want me to._ He tried letting go of her waist. She immediately began to fall forward.

**I can't do this.**

"Neela, I'm going to take these clothes off you…" he was hesitant. While he had been wanting to undress her since the moment he met her, this was certainly not how he wanted it to happen. He took a deep breath, hoping that by invading her privacy he was doing the right thing. _But what else could I do?_

He shifted his hands so they were grabbing the hem of her shirt instead of her waist. He began to lift her shirt up but she wouldn't move her arms, and he couldn't pull it up past her belly button.

**I can't do this. Why do you care so much Ray? It's killing me. It would be so much easier if you'd just give up.**

He paused, wondering how this was going to work. Then, sliding his hands up her sides he lifted her arms up and put them on his shoulders. She moved them slightly so they were holding his neck. He felt his heart jump. _When has anyone ever made my heart skip like that? I feel like a teenage girl!_ Pushing the thought aside, but not able to ignore her hands holding his neck, he continued what he had started.

Once again, he grabbed the hem of her shirt and began to slide his hands up revealing her toned stomach and perfect skin. He realized this was going to be like undressing an infant…he lifted one of her hands from his shoulder and guided it through the sleeve, then replaced her hand on himself. Doing the same thing on the other side, the shirt now hung around her neck. He lifted her head with both of his hands to slide the shirt gently over her face. When she looked up at him, he realized the wetness running down her face was not just from the shower.

**Give up, Ray. I am not worth this.**

Seeing her cry and not knowing why pained him. But he continued. Reaching behind her, he gently took her hair down, to let the hot water rinse out the coldness. He slipped the hair tie around his wrist and slid his hands down her neck, and shoulders to the middle of her back, and unclipped her bra. No longer restrained, the cups didn't pull her breasts into her body. They pushed against the fabric, freed. He again slid his hands up her back and shoulders, grabbing the straps and continued down her arms. Lifting one of her hands to release the strap, her bra now hung over his chest, the other strap still on her other arm. Removing that one, the bra fell to the tub on top of her shirt. _This is going to be the hard part._ Stopping momentarily, he couldn't help but look at her half naked body in front of him and see how beautiful her skin was, smooth and brown, and perfect.

**Don't look too carefully. Please don't look too carefully.**

Wishing desperately she was not hurting and that he could be touching and feeling and loving her body, he knew he had to silently continue. Dropping his hands to her waistline again, he pulled the tie holding up the scrubs pants. Being wet, they stuck to her body instead of falling, having lost the binding holding them up. Sliding his thumbs into the sides of her waistline, he started to push his hands down, gliding over her smooth hips. He paused when he reached the top of her underwear. _Well, what is the point of dry clothes if you have wet underwear?_ Taking a deep breath, he slid his thumbs under the band of her underwear too. As much as he loved the thought of undressing her, he wished the uncomfortable nature of the situation would snap her out of the state she was in. It didn't. He continued to push down until he realized he could no longer remain standing upright to support her andcompletely remove her wet pants. He paused, unsure of how to continue. Hoping she would stay standing he began to squat down to lift her feet out of the wet scrubs. She kept her hands around his neck until he was too low for that to support her and she shifted her hands, supporting herself by the top of his head. He lifted each of her feet just enough to slide the wet clothes off her legs. Her feet were still cold, but he thought they were at least starting to warm up. As he stood back up, her hands fell down from the top of his head to his neck, and then continued down his chest until they reached the hem of his shirt. She was standing there, naked, in front of him, her hands slightly lifting his shirt. His hands returned to her waist, and he just stood there, taking in the situation.

For the first time that night she voluntarily lifted her head. She looked directly into his eyes, not through them like she had earlier, but into his eyes. Again she pulled gently up on the bottom of his shirt. _She wants me to take _my _shirt off? Or am I seeing what I want to see again? _Desperately not wanting to do the wrong thing, he just stood there, looking deep into her eyes. One more time she tugged upward on his shirt. He decided he wasn't taking it the wrong way, and peeled off his own shirt. _After all, I am also all wet and have to change too…_His shirt joined her clothes on the bottom of the tub. Then she leaned into him, putting her ear against his chest, and slipping her arms around his waist.

**You not giving up makes this so hard.**

He knew he liked her, but now he realized that he could not love something more than the woman he was holding in his arms. He pulled her closer to him, not wanting to ever let go and they stood there. _This is new… being perfectly content with just holding a naked woman in my arms. I really just want to hold her. _He pulled her a little closer, if that was even possible.

**Don't let go.**

After several minutes, he slid his hands up over her back, shoulders, arms, hands, and then up through her hair. Even her hands seemed to have returned to a normal temperature. Against his desires, he pulled himself away from her enough to turn off the water. He reached out of the curtain and grabbed a towel off the rack. The whole bathroom was warm and filled with steam, but he wanted to get her as dry as possible before taking her out of the shower. He dried her off as much as he could and wrapped her up in the towel. _Whoever told me to never skimp on towels was so right_ he thought as he wound the big fluffy towel around her. The thought brought a half smile to his face.

Realizing that he was still dripping wet, he sat her back down on the edge of the tub. He pulled the other towel off the rack, briefly dried his upper body, pulled off his own wet pants and wrapped the towel around his waist pulling it up to his belly button.

_That was close._

**Why did he pull his towel so far up? Not that I care. Well, yes I do care. That's a stupid thing to care about Neela. But it's true, he consciously pulled that towel higher than he usually does.**


	8. Exposed

If you think the disclaimer will change now, you've got another thing coming...

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**I.8. Exposed**

After leading her into her room, he sat her down on her bed, and decided it was dumb to keep her wrapped in a wet towel. First he pulled back her hair. He didn't want her wet hair hanging down her back. Stripped of the towel he lay her down and pulled the covers around her. Leaning down he whispered in her ear, "I'll be right back, I'm going to go get dressed, okay?" and kissed her on the forehead.

Back in his own room, Ray yanked open his drawer, glad to find he had done his laundry the day before, and thus had a clean pair of boxers. He grabbed the pair on top, smiling as he realized he had bought this pair when he was with her. They were on a sale display rack near the register, and he just "had to get them." She rolled her eyes when he said that, but was greatly amused that he loved the cartoon bunnies so much. Grabbing the nearest pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt off the pile on his bed, he pulled them on and hurried back to Neela's room. She lay exactly how he had left her, but followed him around the room with her eyes, which made him feel a little better. _She's obviously conscious and apparently had good focus and definitely good eye movement_, he thought, a bit of his professional side coming out.

He found some clean clothes for her, also a sweatshirt/pants combination. He glanced around the room until he spotted where the heater was. He went over to it and laid the clothes in front of it to warm them up before he put them on her. Since she still refused to do anything herself, he knew he'd have to dress her too. He walked back over to the bed grabbing another towel from her shelf and sat down next to her. Brushing a non-existent hair off her forehead he looked at her.

"Neela? Are you gonna talk to me?" Her own eyes studying his, she gave a slight nod, but didn't open her mouth to talk. He waited a few minutes. "Now?" His voice sounded slightly playful now. He could see some life come back into her eyes, she gave a small smile, and shook her head. That made him smile as well.

"Are you completely dried off?" he asked as he pulled back the covers to answer his own question; he assumed, correctly, that she wouldn't answer. She _was_ all dry, but he continued anyway. Whatever part of her body he uncovered from the blankets, he recovered with the towel, gently rubbing over her skin with the towel. She watched his face the whole time, as he lovingly moved over her whole body. Replacing the covers, he retrieved her clothes from the heater.

He was again reminded of his OB rounds and dressing infants again. He pulled the covers back to reveal her naked body. Not wanting to keep her in the open air any longer than necessary, he tried to work quickly. He slid the satin underwear up her perfect, smooth, and toned legs. The scar from her childhood burn most people would see as a subtraction from her beauty, but he saw it as an imperfection that made her perfect, and didn't even take notice of it.

**Shit!**

_The sheet folds left weird imprints on her thighs. _

The thought left his mind when she lifted her hips enough for him to slide the underwear all the way up. Surprised that she made any voluntary movement, he snapped his eyes up to hers. He saw a hint of her liveliness was returning, and she gave him a small smile.

**He didn't see them. You're really lucky Neela.**

The light colored satin on her dark skin was stunning and he wished they were in a different situation so he could be enjoying the sight in a more relaxed manner. Since she was willing to help, putting on the sweatpants wasn't too hard. When he got to the waistband, he slid his hands from the sides to the front to flatten out the elastic, all the while allowing his eyes to take in the perfection of her skin. Then his eyes reached the skin just below her breasts, and he sucked in a sharp breath. She immediately threw her arms around her torso and chest and turned herself away from him.

**Bollocks! Oh bloody hell!**

_Those weren't sheet marks! How could I be so stupid? Sheet marks? Seriously Ray? Well, it never would have occurred to me it was this…she's too perfect…_

* * *

And now I'm done for the night! I'm mean I know. 


	9. Don't Go

Nope, they're still not mine...

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everybody! I do very much appreciate them. As some of you noted, yes the chapters are rather short...they seemed longer in Word when I was writing the story...but that's also why I'm posting several at a time!  
And this chapter is where the potentially controversial stuff becomes more explict/obvious...

* * *

**I.9. Don't Go**

"Neela? Neela, c'mon, talk to me" his voice cracked. "Please Neela." He pulled at her side gently trying to make her turn back over. Her body gave in, but she kept her arms wrapped around herself and her head turned away from him. She shook her head, refusing to look at him, but he could see tears had begun silently streaming down her face.

**This is not how I wanted him to find out. I didn't want him to find out, period! How could I forget about the brand new cuts? Sure, I remember the almost healed ones and scars on my thighs…that was motivation enough to move…took his attention away…How stupid could I be?**

_How did it take me this long to notice? The rest of her skin, so perfect, then these self made scars— a blatant disruption…What the hell do I do? I've never been on this side of it...  
_

"At least let me put the sweatshirt on you" his voice shook much more than he wanted it to. _Well, I'm scared shitless, how do I think I am going to sound? _"Please?"

Slowly turning her face toward him she gave another almost imperceptible nod, which made him again wonder if he was just seeing what he wanted. Pushing doubt from his mind, he grasped her upper arms and slowly pulled her up to a sitting position. Once again, like dressing an infant, he slid the shirt over her head first, and then guided each of her arms through the sleeves. He pulled the bottom down to cover her torso, and gently lay her back down. Looking directly into her eyes, he saw she had lost that little bit of happiness that had returned and it was replaced by fear, disappointment, anger and sadness.

"Listen to me Neela" he brushed away another invisible hair from her face, "people care about you. I care about you. Please don't do this. Please talk to me." After a slight pause, he continued, "I'm not saying now, but please don't do this again without at least trying to talk to me. Okay?" With each word she could see and hear he was closer and closer to letting go of the tears he was so valiantly holding back. She nodded. Enough that he knew she nodded.

He noticed that he hadn't pulled the blankets back over her, and he hastily did so. He sat there looking at her for a few minutes.

_You of all people, Ray! How could you not have seen this was happening? Think back, she probably did all the same things you did, didn't she? _ He had dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap, and closed his eyes. _You let this happen Ray._

After a few more minutes, he looked back up at her. She had not stopped looking at his face. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and stood up. After a moment he managed to get out, hoarsely, "Good night Neela." He leaned over and kissed her forehead. Standing back up, he turned to leave.

"Don't go." It was the first time she had spoken in hours. The sound surprised him and he turned, at first not even comprehending what she had said. "Stay…please?" He nodded and started walking back over to the bed.

**I know this will only make it harder…**

She touched the covers behind her. He nodded again and took a step forward, then stopped. "You know, I'm kind of cold too…"

**Normally he would have said that in a joking tone, never missing an opportunity to make a joke with a sexual innuendo, but I guess he's probably serious.**

Her hand that was on the covers grabbed the edge and she twisted her arm to fold them down a little bit. He smiled, which made her smile. "Okay. Alright. I'll stay. You just can't get enough of me, huh?" Her smile grew a little.

**There's the Ray I know.**

He got into the bed and started to wrap his arm around her waist. She turned around to face him, and pulled on the bottom of his sweatshirt like she had done in the shower. He raised his eyebrows at her, and she just stared back at him. He shrugged and pulled the sweatshirt over his head. She smiled, and turned to put her head on his chest, as he wrapped his arms around her. She lay there listening to his heartbeat.

* * *

Reviews are my antidrug...you've gotten me hooked :) Feed my addiction. It's healthier than many other things, like crack :) 

-/- I'd especially like to know if I am being too abstract...in other words, do you get where I am going, or is it totally unclear except in my own mind? -/-


	10. I Know

Same 'ol, same 'ol disclaimer

* * *

**I.10. I Know**

After several minutes, or perhaps hours, he felt dampness on his chest. It wasn't the cold dampness of her hair…then her body shook. _Tears. _ He tried to pull her closer to him, even though he knew their bodies were already not only touching, but pressed against each other. _Don't cry._ His hand drew lazy designs on her back. A deep inhale of breath over the wetness of her tears sent a chill through Ray's body, and gave him goose bumps. She brought her hand up to his stomach like she was trying to smooth down his reaction to the cold.

"It makes me forget." Her voice surprised him, again, and his head jerked down to try to look at her. She had been looking down, facing their feet, but she turned, pulling her head off his chest, and replacing it with the covers. The sudden warmth sent another shiver through him. "It makes me forget that I'm scared, and confused."

"I know" he whispered. _Believe me, I know. _He pulled her toward him again.

**Goddamnit Ray!**

"No you don't! Stop trying to make everything sound okay! It's not! Everything is not okay!" she said. It was at a normal volume, but with silence filling the room, it sounded like she was shouting. She pulled away from him.

"I know it's not okay! I'm not saying it's okay! I'm saying I know what it's _like_ Neela!" he said even louder. Then, looking directly into her eyes, he said in a whisper again, "I know….'cause I've been there, and I've done it."

**Wait, what?**

"…At first it makes you forget…it releases you…it makes everything else disappear for however brief a moment, it stops your mind from rerunning a trauma in your head when you lost them; it clears out life's confusions. And for that moment it works. But then you can't stop. Right?" They both held the gaze, neither one wanting to be the one to break it. He had started empathetic and quiet, then became frustrated, now he was starting to sound angry and was getting louder. The rage flared in his eyes.

"Stop it Ray" she spoke in a strained but decisive whisper.

"That's why you spent so long in the locker room before you went home tonight, right?"

"Stop it." Her voice stayed even.

"Is that an admission?"

"Stop it," she said again, this time more forcefully.

"That's how it is though, Neela, isn't it?" his voiced continued to get louder. He was practically shouting, but at the same time pulling her closer to himself.

This time she didn't answer. She just stared at him. She could see the tears that wanted to escape again, but he still wouldn't let them. He didn't break the gaze either, but raised his eyebrows, effectively asking the same question again. She broke the gaze. She bent her head down and put her forehead back against his chest. After taking a deep breath, she nodded.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, I'm angry with myself. I should have seen it. I should have known…being adamant about keeping your door closed, always offering to take out the trash, fearing I'd see the evidence of what you did, never letting me in your room, even if it's just to pick up the phone…it's all the same things." His voice had returned to a whisper.

"Don't tell anyone."

"Hey" he pulled her face up, so she was looking right at him "not only do I have no reason to, I have no right to. I know that. Okay?"

"Yeah…I know"

_You have to ask, Barnett. This could be pushing too much too soon and fuck it all up, but you have to ask…_

Drawing in a deep breath, he asked, "Where do you keep it?"

She closed her eyes, feeling ashamed. Opening them, she reached back behind herself to the bedside table, and ran her fingers along the lip at the bottom. She pulled her hand out, empty.

**Bollox!**

"I…I must have left it by the sink in the locker room."

_It took you until she left it all out in the open Ray? That is pathetic._

"Hey" he pulled her chin up again "it _is_ okay…it will be okay." She nodded.

He pulled her into his body as hard as he could. She allowed herself to be pressed up against him until it almost hurt. They lay there for a long time. Ray stared off into nothing wondering what this would do to their friendship.

_Could it ever be the same? If it was different, would that be a good different? Or come tomorrow will I have screwed up this relationship too?_

Her breathing had become more shallow, and even.

**How can Ray calm me like this, but not Michael?**

_It says something about her that she can fall asleep in my arms and it's not because we just had sex. And I don't want her to go. Ever._


	11. These Are Not Two Years Old

I hate to repeat myself, but I'd also like to stay outta trouble. Disclaimer hasn't changed.

* * *

**I.11. These Are Not Two Years Old**

Her voice small and muffled by his chest she asked, "Where'd you do it?" She looked up at him. Once again her voice startled him.

"Geez, Neela, I thought you were asleep."

"Oh. Sorry."

"'S ok…My arm for a while, until I realized that was dumb…"

"Your arm? You're always wearing sleeveless shirts…how could I not have seen it?"

"Seen my tattoos?"

"Oh."

"If you look closely you can see they're covering up something…"

"So after that?"

"My hipbone."

"Can I see?"

He rolled onto his back and she sat up, thereby pulling the covers back. She watched as he hooked his thumb under the waistline of his sweatpants and pulled them down a few inches.

**Aww, his bunny boxers. **The absurdity of that catching her attention made her face blush slightly. Then she focused back on his body.

"Shit, Ray…" she looked back up at his face. "I'm sorry, that's not what I should have said."

"'S alright" he shrugged and let the elastic snap back into place. Neela pulled it back down, and traced over the scars with her fingers. Some looked really old and about as healed as they would get, others looked more recent, but they were still mostly healed.

Still gliding her fingers over the skin, she didn't look at him, but started asking him questions. "When'd you start?"

"Sophomore year in high school." Then added with a smirk, "that year sucked all around."

"When did you stop?"

"Soon after I started at County."

"Why?"

"'Cause I met people who cared about me, who were good people, like Carter…Pratt…Kovac…Abby. But mostly…because…I met you." Her eyes snapped up to his, then fell back to her hands on his hipbone.

_Nice Ray, how else do you think you can scare her? How about you go all out, and profess your undying love for her? Or perhaps tell her about the one she is about to find anyway?_

**Well, shit! What am I supposed to say to that?** "I don't know what to say, Ray." **Yeah, that wasn't it…anything else but that…**

_Say that you'll stop._

"You don't need to say anything…"

She continued tracing his scars slowly moving across his body. She got to his other hip bone and stopped. There were several cuts that were not new, but certainly not fully healed. She guessed they were a few weeks old. Moving much slower she dragged her finger across these marks leading her to a long slash. It was obviously very new—red, and inflamed, irritated from rubbing on the waistband of his pants. Her mind flashed back to when they were in the bathroom and Ray pulled his towel up so quickly. It suddenly became very clear.

**This has got to be less than a week old.**

_That one. She found it, now what are you going to do?_

"Ray," she was whispering and had turned her eyes back to his face, "you've been working at County for almost two years. These are not two years old." She kept moving her fingers back and forth along the newest mark, but kept her eyes on his.

"Yeah. Right. No, they're not."

She raised her eyebrows, in effect repeating the implied question. He just looked at her. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and averting his eyes answered her question, almost inaudibly.

"When you got married. I stayed at the hospital that night, in the doctor's lounge." He paused. "It was too easy." He again breathed deeply. "And then I thought it was over. I'd stop again. Until Michael left. I couldn't stand to see you so sad, but be useless to you."

**It's because of you, Neela. You made him do it.**

She slowly let the elastic pull the waistline into place, and pulled his chin up to return his gaze to her face. Neither one of them knew what to say. Neither one could read all the emotions in the other one's eyes. So they just looked at each other. After a few minutes she lay back down, and pulled his arm back around her waist, and he squeezed her up against his body again. There was silence for a long time. It could have been awkward, but somehow, it wasn't.


	12. I Thought You Understood This

Like the previous 11 chapters have said..they're still not mine.

* * *

**I.12. I Thought You Understood This**

This time Ray broke the silence. "When did you start?"

"When I first moved to America from England."

"Why?"

"I was scared. I didn't know anyone. I wasn't sure I could make it as a doctor. I didn't really have anyone to fall back on. Then I met someone that I could fall back on, and he went to Iraq. I was devastated, and confused. Then I met someone else, which made it worse, because I felt like I was cheating on Michael just by thinking about the other man. Then just a couple of weeks ago I married Michael, having convinced myself I loved him, and not the other man. And I haven't done anything unfaithful, but I still feel guilty."

_Who? Who is the 'someone else'? _ He was opening his mouth to ask, but then she continued.

"Then today, this little boy…this 12 year old boy…"

_Think back to the board…who was the 12 year old boy?_

"…totally convinced that what his father was doing was okay…"

_Please tell me that is not the chart I handed off to you because I didn't want to deal with it…_

"…such a sweet little boy…so trusting…so…" leaving the sentence incomplete she just sighed.

_No, that had been an older man…I don't remember a little boy…_

"Yeah, I don't understand how people can ever hurt a child. My last patient was a little girl. Do you remember Dina, a few weeks ago?"

"Yes. I ran that trauma…"

"Yeah, her sister."

"See? It's cases like these! They get to me. If I followed up with social services, I bet you wouldn't have seen her sister today!" Her voice was getting progressively louder, and she sat up.

"No. Neela, stop. Social services did go to their house. And according to this girl, Samantha, cops were there too at some point. They didn't find anything wrong, it had nothing to do with you."

"I knew there was something wrong, I should have gone myself!"

"No, you shouldn't have. That's not your job. If social services couldn't find anything, and the police didn't find anything, you probably couldn't have either. Even if you completely believed there was an issue, you can't always fix it," trying to reason with her, trying to calm her, he kept his voice even.

"I could have tried." She sounded slightly calmer.

"You did what you could."

"It makes me so angry! I'm done; I don't want to talk about it anymore." She collapsed back down into him. He replaced his arm around her.

Ray couldn't hold the silence very long before breaking it again. "Will you stop now?" _Will you stop for me?_

"I…I am still confused…I don't know…"

"What are you confused about?"

"Michael"

"And the other person?"

"Yeah, and the other person." She squeezed his hand that was around her middle. He hadn't realized her hand was on his.

_Wait, me? I'm the other person? She's doing this because of me?_

"Me?" his voice urgent.

"Yeah, you" her voice timid.

**Good job Neela, now you ruined it.**

"You're doing this because of me?" he was raising his voice again.

"No. That's not what I said Ray. And I could turn that right back around on you."

"Well, then what did you say?" he said, ignoring the last statement. His voice was a mixture of anger, anxiety, and confusion.

"I said I did it because I was confused."

"About me! About me and Gallant!"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Well, what the hell did you mean?"

"I don't know Ray! If I knew, do you think I would have done it to begin with? I thought you said you understood this!"

"I do!"

"You're bloody well acting like you don't! And what about you? You said you did it when I got married."

_Shit. That is true. But that's not really what I meant._

"Yeah. I guess I did." His voice had returned to a barely audible whisper.

"Does Michael know you do it?"

"No." _Another thing to add to the what-Ray-knows-about-Neela-but-her-husband-doesn't list._

"I should go." He started to sit up.

"Don't." She gently, but forcefully pushed him back down. He didn't object, but that was mostly because he didn't know what to say.

_That's three times today you've been speechless._

Silence again. Both of them breathed in deep.


	13. You've Got Two Choices

They're not mine! Stop rubbing it in!

* * *

**I.13. You've Got Two Choices**

They lay there for a while, Ray eventually succumbing to his fatigue. Neela however, stayed awake. The more she thought about those two girls and the little boy she had seen, the more upset she became. Her confusion between Ray and Michael had become even more complicated tonight and that certainly didn't help. Finally, she decided she couldn't take it anymore.

Very gently removing Ray's arm from her middle, she slid back to the edge of the bed. She ran her hand under the bedside table, then remembering it wasn't there, stood up, frustrated. The sudden movement of the bed startled Ray and he woke up unbeknownst to her.

_Where did she go?_

His eyes scanned the room trying to find where Neela had disappeared to. They settled on her frame running her hand along the underside of her dresser top.

_Oh, God, no. Please no._

"What are you doing, Neela?" His voice startled her, both because she thought he was asleep, and because he sounded angry. Plus, she had a guilty conscious.

**For all he knows I am getting a shirt from my dresser.**

"Nothing Ray, go back to sleep." She tried her best to sound casual—failing miserably.

**Not 'nothing' Neela, tell him you were getting a shirt!**

_She really is the worst liar ever._

"Neela." He was louder.

"It's fine Ray, just go back to sleep." Instead he stood up and started walking over toward her.

**Shit.**

_Shit._

"Really, Ray, lie down and g—" He had reached the dresser and grabbed her arm to push her to the side. "Stop it Ray!" He had forced her over a few feet, so she was no longer standing in front of the dresser, instead standing up against the wall. Using his other hand, he ran his own fingers along the lip as she had been doing earlier.

_Please let there be nothing here. Let this be a false accusation from me being over-protective._

Neela slid her back down the wall, pulling herself from his grasp until she was sitting on the floor. Ray's hand felt a piece of tape beneath his fingers.

_Damnit._

Knowing what he had found, he ripped the tape off, letting the blade fall into his hand. He moved his eyes down to Neela with a look of disappointment, though he was disappointed in himself as well. Then he quickly left the room.

_Okay, let's try a different tactic._

Neela didn't change her position—knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around her knees, and her head bowed down. She was too upset to yell at Ray, or move, or even cry. She just sat there.

**How could I be so stupid?**

Ray came back into the room holding something. He walked over and sat down in front of Neela. She raised her head enough to acknowledge his presence, but quickly dropped it back down so she didn't see him move. He reached out and dragged her to him, sliding her balled-up body over the smooth wooden floor; and wrapping both arms around her small body, pulled her into his lap.

_Don't do this to me, Neela. I know it sounds selfish, but please don't do this to me…_

They sat there in total silence until she lifted her head to get some fresh air and saw the box Ray had brought in. There was very little light in the room, so she couldn't tell what it was.

"What is that?" Her ignorance of what he had brought in worried her, and made her somewhat angry.

"It's a sharps container, Neela." He was very matter of fact. "You are going to put all of them in here." He pulled her away from his chest to look at her face. "Every. Single. One." She merely dropped her head back down.

_I'm doing the best I can here Neela. Please let me help you._

**What the bloody hell do I do?**

"Neela, you've either got to let me help you, or I'm calling Psych at County and they'll help you. And I am going to make you decide right now. Neither one of us is going to sleep tonight until you make a decision."

_Is it stupid to let her decide? Is that the whole problem here—that she is not making a wise decision? Think back Ray…think back to college, freshman year. Did you wish you'd had a choice? Yes._

"Goddamnit Ray." She was angry—angry at herself for letting this happen, and angry at him for being so persistent.

**I don't want to go to County. But Ray did what, three weeks in psych rounds? And that was two years ago, and he hated it. But I trust him. How did I let this go so far?**

"I'm serious."

_And if she does pick me, am I fucking both of us over? I did barely three weeks in psych rounds, that was two years ago, and I hated it._


	14. Every Single One

Do you get sick of reading it? 'Cause I get sick of having to say they're not mine...

You all say such nice things I had to go and update again before doing work...THANKS for the reviews!

These last two chapters are really short. Sorry. But it also doesn't really work to combine them...at least not in my mind. Hope you enjoy!

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**I.14. Every. Single. One.**

She stood up abruptly. She walked around her room, pausing three times to reach under a surface before continuing. She ended up back where she started, standing in front of Ray. He held the sharps container up to her, and she dropped the blades in. Snapping the lid closed, she sat back down in front of him, but refused to look at him.

"Is that all of them?" She nodded. "Honest?" She started to nod again, then stopped, mumbling something that sounded like 'oh wait,' she stood up and left the room. He could hear her steps go down the hall, then he saw the bathroom light flip on for about ten seconds, then she shut it back off again. Reentering the room, he handed the red container back to her. Unsnapping the lid, she dropped one more item in, before resealing it and returning it to Ray, who was still sitting on the floor.

"That's all?" She nodded again. "Honest?" And again. "You're sure?" Once more. He kept eye contact, not knowing exactly what to do now.

"Every. Single. One. Ray." It was his turn to nod, as he did, he stood up. He walked over to the bed and grabbed his sweatshirt, then left the room.

**Good job, Neela, you blew it. He's probably getting the phone to call County.**

_It's a start. _He threw the sweatshirt back on his bed, and put the sharps container in his bag. He'd take it to the hospital at his next shift and dispose of it at the hospital incinerator.

She climbed back into her bed, lying further over than normal, so she was lying where Ray had been. She found comfort in the lingering warmth of his body. She had her back to the door.

Ray went to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, hoping that would clear his mind some. He saw their clothes still soaking wet in the tub, and ignored them. Walking back toward the bedrooms, he debated whether to just go back to his own room and leave Neela alone, or to go be with her. While his mind pondered the issue, his feet took him to Neela's door. He leaned against the door frame and just looked at her. She was barely moving. _Maybe she finally fell asleep. _He walked in and very softly kissed her on the cheek.

As he was stepping out, her almost inaudible voice whispered, "you're not staying?"

Quickly doing a 180, "yeah, yeah, I'm staying." He crawled back into her bed and resumed the position they had been in earlier—him on his back with one arm around her drawing lazy scribbles on her back, and her lying in the crook of his arm, her head on his bare chest and her hand intertwined with the fingers of his free hand. Like this, they finally both fell asleep.


	15. Promise

Still. Not. Mine.

* * *

**I.15. Promise**

The neighbor's alarm clock woke them up at 9 o'clock the next morning. _I hate how thin these walls are. _**These walls are too thin.** Ray knew that once he was awake he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, and disgruntled, verbalized his displeasure with a moan.

"Pardon?" He could hear her smile.

"No, I just won't be able to fall back asleep." He sounded tired.

"Neither will I."

"Then I guess we should get up." His voice was playful, but resigned. Showing her agreement, she began to sit up, but Ray pulled her back down. His tone drastically changed, "I'll stop if you stop…" Neela had never heard his voice sound so scared, and so unsure.

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

They were both silent for almost an hour, each running the previous conversation through their mind. Neela kept her ear pressed up against his chest hearing and feeling his heartbeat. Ray held her close to him, feeling the comfort of her warm breath on his chest.

"Seriously, Neela, let's get up." She could hear his smile had returned too.

---End Part I---

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Parts II and III to come...I'll try to update tomorrow! Until then, feel free to feed my review addiction. (And just FYI, more reviews make me update faster :) hint, hint...)

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	16. Slip Up

Part II

A/N: The timeline doesn't really follow that of the show from here on. Remember I wrote this just after "I Do," so I didn't actually know what, if anything, was going to happen to Michael Gallant.

Thanks to all who reviewed part I—you're awesome…and those who read without reviewing, you're cool too…but you could be promoted to awesome by giving me a review :) anyway…on to the story…

* * *

_**Previously:**_

"_Then I guess we should get up." His voice was playful, but resigned. Showing her agreement, she began to sit up, but Ray pulled her back down. His tone drastically changed, "I'll stop if you stop…" Neela had never heard his voice sound so scared, and so unsure._

_"Okay."_

_"Promise?"_

_"Promise."_

_They were both silent for almost an hour, each running the previous conversation through their mind. Neela kept her ear pressed up against his chest hearing and feeling his heartbeat. Ray held her close to him, feeling the comfort of her warm breath on his chest._

_"Seriously, Neela, let's get up." She could hear his smile had returned too._

**II.1. Slip Up**

That night, almost a year ago, replayed in her head many times.

**Probably hundreds, or possibly even 1000 times.**

Each time it ended with her promise freshly in mind, and she'd put the unopened scalpel blade back in the emergency box they kept in the apartment. For the first time in a while, Neela had a day off that didn't coincide with Ray's. He had a gig coming up and traded with someone.

This time though, the night replayed in her head and she closed the box without replacing the scalpel. Tearing open the package, she threw the wrapper in the kitchen garbage, making sure it fell down the side, so Ray wouldn't see it resting on top. She put the emergency box back in its spot and returned to the bathroom. The tub, she remembered, was the easiest to clean up and therefore, easiest to hide the evidence. She sat on the edge of the tub for several minutes, her mind racing with too many thoughts to be able to concentrate on any one individually. She took a deep breath and placed the blade on her skin.

Her surgical elective taught her exactly how deep she could go without causing permanent damage. She drew the sharp steel across her leg, the living flesh and the lifeless metal trying to trade their states of existence. She watched as the first crimson ribbon fell down her leg until it hit a small puddle in the tub and burst into a pink cloud as the color diffused into the old bathwater. After she allowed two more ribbons to cascade down her leg, she became fully cognizant of what she was doing.

She dropped the sharp object into the tub and grabbed a rag towel from under the sink. She quickly wiped up her leg so she wouldn't track blood, held the towel to her thigh and tried to run, but ended up hobbling awkwardly, into the living room to get the phone. She dialed what she could practically call her home number, with how much time she spent at that hospital. Jerry picked up.

"County General ER"

"Hi Jerry this is Neela, can I speak to Ray please?" She tried her best to sound calm.

"He's kind of busy right now, Neela, is it urgent? Abby's right h—" Abby grabbed the phone, cutting him off. Neela never called in on her days off.

"Neela, is everything okay?"

"No, I need to talk to Ray." She kept her voice steady, but she knew she wouldn't be able to keep control much longer. "Now." Her eyes burned with the tears she was not allowing to fall.

"Do you want him to pick up in the family room? Or an empty exam room?" Abby knew there was something wrong, but Neela obviously was only going to talk to Ray.

"That's probably a good idea." She whispered, and then turning the phone away from her, finally unable to hold back her tears, began to cry.

"Just one moment, Neela, I'm getting him right now." Abby tried to sound soothing, but it was hard when her best friend was in trouble and she didn't know why.

/In the ER/

Abby turned to Jerry and ordered him to transfer the call to Exam 4. She walked as quickly as she could down the hall without it being called running. Neela's words sped through her head. It was the tone of Neela's voice that bothered Abby much more than the actual words. The fact that Neela wouldn't even tell Abby was weird, and she didn't like it. Abby was almost jealous of how close Ray and Neela had become. She pushed that thought aside, telling herself to focus on her friend—her friend who needed help.

She poked her head into Trauma 3. "Ray, have a call."

"Abby, do you not see I am in a trauma room?"

"Yes I do Ray, but I also see the patient is stable and you are just suturing, and it's an urgent call. I can finish suturing, you go pick up the phone!"

"Abby that's ridic—"

"Ray, it's Neela. She's not okay, and she won't even talk to me."

"Oh shit…uhh…" He hesitated as he tried to figure out how to pass off in the middle of suturing. Abby had already put on gloves and she grabbed the tools out of Ray's hands.

"Exam 4!" she shouted after him.

Throwing open the door to Exam 4, Ray grabbed the phone, "Neela?" his voice was urgent. "What's the matter?"

"Ray…" her sobbing made her hold the vowel in his name longer than normal.

"Talk to me Neela."

"I'm sor- sorry…" her tears caught her voice as she tried to speak.

"You probably don't need to be." The sentence rushed out of his mouth. Then he added more slowly, but equally urgent as before, "What happened?"

"But, I- I promised y- you."

_What has she promised me? Picking the movie for Friday night would not upset her…_then it came to him_…fuck._

"Neela, Neela listen to me, okay? Don't be sorry—" He tried to sound calm, but figured he probably didn't.

"But I prom—"

"Stop it Neela." He was louder with this, and the authority in his voice made her stop. "Where are you right now?"

"The cou- couch" her voice caught once more before she was able to restrain her tears again.

"Where is it?" _Matter of fact. Sound matter of fact._

"In the tub." Her voice was small, timid and ashamed.

"Where'd you do it?" _Where's the line between interrogation and gathering the facts?_

"My thigh."

"Did you put something on it?"

"A towel."

"Has it stopped?" _Ray, shut up and get your ass home! You'll see all these answers when you get there…you're not doing much good here! _He grabbed a pen and paper, and started writing down everything Abby would need to know about his patients—luckily it was a slow day and there were only two—and she was relatively familiar with both. Then he added at the bottom a note that Abby could empathize with…**_she 'fell off the wagon,' if you will. _**Ray didn't think Abby knew what Neela's destructive habit was, but she knew there was a problem, and she knew what it's like to struggle with one.

"No." _Okay…that's okay._

"Is it slowing?" _Are there any supplies I should take home? _He reached into the drawer beside the sink and took some non-stick gauze pads.

"Not really." _Shit. _Given that answer, he grabbed a roll of gauze too. He knew they had plenty at home, but he wanted to be sure.

"Stay where you are. It'll be ok. I'm leaving here in" he glanced at his watch 14:40.30, "in time to catch the El at quarter of." He would have to move damn fast to get to the El station in time to make that ride. _Four and a half minutes._

Slamming down the phone he flew out of the room.

"Ray, slow down!" Susan scolded him as he almost rammed into her. "And you didn't hang up the phone!"

"Sus— Dr. Lewis, I can't right now. Abby'll explain." Abby was just emerging from Trauma 3, having just finished suturing the man, and Ray thrust the paper into her hand. "I've got my cell if you have any questions." Susan Lewis stepped into Exam 4 to hang up the phone.

"Of course," Abby said, but it ended up being to herself, for Ray was already out of earshot.

On his way past the supply room, he ducked in a grabbed a few packages of suture threads in various sizes. _Just in case. I hope to God she doesn't need them, but I've gotta be prepared. _Making a momentary stop in the locker room to get his bag, Ray ran out of the ER doors of County General.

"What was that about?" Susan asked, bewildered.

"I'm not entirely sure," Abby answered, slowly and unsure. "Neela called," the confusion fell from Susan's face and she started to nod.

"She never calls in when she's off."

"Exactly." The two women shrugged, equally in the dark about the details of the situation.

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I love reviews. Feel free to tell me stuff you _don't_ like! I'm lovin' the nice stuff, but I know I'm not perfect :) 


	17. Reasons

In the last chapter, I forgot to remind you (in case you'd forgotten) they're not mine!

A/N: While it sounds like they might as well be dating, I only intend for them to be really close friends...at this point...

* * *

** II.2. Reasons**

/Back at the apartment/

Neela couldn't remember if it had been seconds or hours since she hung up the phone. She couldn't think at all. She was with it enough to recognize Ray's footsteps bounding up the stairs and the key in the lock.

The door opened and slammed into the wall behind it. Not bothering to close it or take his key out, Ray dropped his bag and rushed over to the couch where Neela sat balled up with her knees pulled up to her chest. The first thing he saw was the wet red rag pressed between her thigh and stomach. _Ohh Neela…_Leaning over the back of the couch he picked her up, not caring at all that there was now blood all over the front of his shirt.

"Neela, Neela, Neela," he whispered her name as he stood there holding her, pulling her as close to his own body as he could. When he felt the unique stickiness of blood against his stomach, his mind snapped back into reality, and he tried to assess the situation. He started by sitting her down on the floor. "Has it slowed?" His voice was panicked, but it didn't seem to faze her. He pulled his key out of the door and shut it gently.

"Only a little." She answered him in a very soft whisper.

"Do you feel sick? Headache? Any of that?" He grabbed the soiled towel that had dropped to her side when she sat down. He threw it in the trash as he went into the kitchen to fill a bowl with warm water. It made a thud as it hit the side and its weight compressed the garbage below.

**And I was worried he'd see the scalpel package in the trash…**

"No." She shook her head.

Taking a couple of clean dish towels out of the drawer he went back over to where she was on the floor and sat next to her. She was still curled up with her arms around her knees. He gently pulled her leg out straight so he could see her cuts.

Noting the severity and running through the treatment options he began to wipe off the red liquid.

"Neela?" She looked at him out of the corners of her eyes. "Do you want to tell me what this is about?" She dropped her gaze again, giving him a silent 'no.'

They sat in silence while Ray finished cleaning her leg. He noticed at some point she had let it run all the way down to her foot, leaving a now dry path.

"I know exactly how deep they are, I don't need stitches. The best treatment would be simple butterfly band aids." The flat, business like tone in her voice shocked him. "And probably some antibiotic ointment." _Think back though Ray. You totally detach yourself. To her, right now, those cuts are on a patient—Neela. She is Dr. Rasgotra. _ It pained him that he knew what this was like. It pained him that he had gone through it, and it pained him that Neela was going through it again.

He noticed she was looking at the contents of his bag, which had spilled out when he tossed it aside when he first came in. She evidently saw the suture threads.

"I just wanted to be prepared."

"Still a boy scout…" The fact that she would make a joke in these circumstances allowed him to relax a little.

"I never actually was a boy scout, smartie-pants." He said it with a smile and looked up at her. She wasn't smiling, but her eyes told him she was trying.

"I'm sorry I got your shirt dirty." Only then did he notice she was wearing a shirt of his.

"Eh, well, at least it's black—it won't really stain." They traded crooked smiles. After a few silent minutes, she spoke up again.

"I had a few unexpected visitors today." She saw his body tense. He was now bandaging her leg.

_What did they do to her that made her do this? Should I have taken her to the ER?_

"Unexpected, but they were soldiers Ray, not…" she paused, "they we just soldiers." He relaxed.

_You always go to the worst case scenarios, Ray. Wait…soldiers?_ He looked up at her.

"You know soldiers only come to the house for one thing…" her voice broke off, choked by the words. _Oh God. _"They come to ask where he wanted to be buried." He felt her body grow tense under his hands as he finished securing the bandage.

"Neela, I'm sorry…" He sat up on his knees to put his arms around her.

"They just want to know—to know where to ship the dead body" With that she collapsed, crying silent tears. If Ray hadn't been holding her shoulders she would have collapsed onto the floor. He was surprised she had been able to get that whole sentence out.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated himself, clueless as to what else to say.

After a few minutes, she sat up and mockingly, recounted the conversation, imitating the voices of the soldiers. "'Hi, are you Mrs. Gallant?' 'Yes, but I didn't change my name, so— ' 'Right, Dr. Raz-goo-tra,'" she said, purposefully butchering her last name. "'We just came by to tell you we let your husband die'" Neela looked up at Ray, who was looking down at her, not knowing how to react. She apparently took his look as one of doubt, and added, "well, they might as well have said it like that!" She was getting angry. "Instead, they try to make it sound serene…when really, my husband's body is coming back in pieces! The concept of open-casket funeral is completely lost on the military. They think you're lucky if you have an actual body to bury!" She slumped down again.

"Shhhh…" He rocked her back a forth. _What the hell do you say to someone whose husband just died?_ "Shhhh…"


	18. Just A Release?

Any guesses as to what I'm going to say here? You got it--I don't own them.

* * *

**II.3. _Just _a release?**

After a little bit Neela started to move, and grumbled something about the bathroom, so Ray let her get up. He took the bowl back to the kitchen. Suddenly, putting two and two together, he called out, "wait, wait…" Her leg was tender, so she couldn't move that fast and thus hadn't gotten very far. He went into the bathroom ahead of her and picked up the steel that had been discarded into the tub. "Okay, go ahead."

"Never mind." She sat back down on the floor in the middle of the room.

"That's what you were going in there for?" _Say no, please say no._

"No." She said it definitively. _Thank God. _He looked at her, relieved. Much more softly and timidly, she guiltily corrected herself, "yes."

_Damn it! _ He wrapped tape around the sharp object, which he would properly dispose of at the hospital on his next shift. He then started stuffing the scattered medical supplies back in his bag. _I can't help her with this. I have no idea how._

"Neela…I can't…" He looked up, meeting her pleading gaze. _You can't tell her this when she looks at you like that, that's what you can't do…no, focus…I can't help her with this. _"I don't know how…to help you with…this."

"I don't nee—"

"Don't even try to tell me you don't need help, Neela." She started to stand up.

"I don—" she was almost shouting, then putting her hand on her thigh, she moaned very softly "oww," and sat back down.

"Case in point." He was frustrated that she was arguing this. She glared at him. "I'm sorry Neela, I'm just saying, look at yourself! You can't go to work like this! I can't, and don't want to, go to work, and leave you like this!"

"I'm not, and I wasn't, trying to kill myself, Ray." She was still glaring at him, and tried again to stand up.

"I'm not saying you are or you were. And I know you aren't—you called me, and that's good. But I know this path too Neela. I've walked it for more than 10 years. You don't know what will happen." He tried to keep his voice quiet and steady, and he was doing pretty well.

"It's a release Ray, that's your word, release! Not suicide attempt!" She was shouting.

"Neela, if you had asked me in 10th grade why I did it, I would have said 'release,' and had the same attitude you have about it right now. But, if you came back 3 years later, you would probably ask me how a 'release' ended me up in the hospital under suicide watch. That's why I became a doctor Neela, to try and keep other people from doing the same stupid shit that I did!" His voice was not loud, but it was decisive. "I'll be here for you Neela, you know that. But, you can only fall back on me, I can't support you myself."

"Yes you can! You said the same thing a year ago about this!"

"And I obviously helped for a while, but, Neela, it's still happening, and I don't know what else to do."

"It was a slip up Ray. You know what that's like."

"No, I know what it's like to cut yourself. I know far too much about it. But I've never lost a spouse; I don't know what that's like. And it seems to have caused a little more than a minor slip up."

"I am…I _was_ married to Michael, and I cared about him very much. But losing him is like losing a very dear friend, not a husband. You are my friend, Ray, and it would be much harder to lose you." She paused, like she was surprised at the words that had just escaped her lips. He thought she was going to leave, but she continued. "If you have ever lost anyone, Ray, you can help me more than anyone else. You know me more than my own husband knew me. My brother can tell embarrassing stories about our childhood that you didn't know, but you know far more about me than Ajit ever will." She noticed Ray hadn't moved since she started talking, and he wasn't looking at her. "Are you even listening to me Ray?!"

"Y- Yes, I just have no idea what to say, Neela." He forced himself to make eye contact.

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" finally returning to her normal soft tone.

"I think so, yes, but I don't know if me agreeing to try to help you is going to end up hurting you."

"The only way you can hurt me Ray, is by not trying." Her volume continued to drop, and she said this in a whisper. He nodded, and motioned for her to come over to him. Realizing what he was doing, he got up and went over to her. Sitting down and leaning back against the wall, he pulled her into his lap. He folded his arms around her and grabbed his own wrist behind her back, and she sunk into his chest.

"What the bloody hell is that?" Neela jumped up.

* * *

I've got the whole story written, and I know I'm impatient when I'm reading other people's stories...so...depending on how much I wanna distract myself, the rest of this story may be posted very shortly! Don't stop the reviews (postitive or constructive criticism), they **all **brighten my crappy days :) 


	19. A 911 Page From Abby

Seriously, damnit. Not mine. I never tried to say they were.

* * *

**II.4. A 911 Page From Abby**

"My pager is on vibrate, Neela." This caused them to both smile, until he looked down at the page. "It's, uhh, a 911 page from the ER." He looked back up at the woman who had just been in his lap.

"What are you looking at me for? Go answer it!" He went over to the table where he'd left his cell phone. She walked in the opposite direction, to her room.

_Gee, could you make it more obvious that you are completely in love with her than not answering a 911 page?_

"County Gener—" Ray didn't let him finish his greeting.

"Hi, Frank, I got a 911 page…" Ray leaned his back against the wall.

"Hang on." He could hear Frank yelling for Abby before she picked up.

"Ray."

"Yeah. That's me."

"Is Neela there?"

"Yeah you wanna talk to—"

"No!" she cut him off. "Is she in hearing distance?"

"No, she just went to her room, what are you trying to say Abby?"

"There are…there are two men from the army here…"

"She already knows Abby."

"Why the hell are they here then?"

"I don't know, why don't you try asking them?" He looked up and saw Neela had come back out of her room, this time wearing a clean shirt and lounge pants.

"Ray, is that Abby?" Neela grabbed the phone, knowing the answer was yes.

"Abby, hi. This is Neela," she started, as if her friend wouldn't recognize her voice. "Those two men are there to see Pratt. I didn't want to be the one to tell him, so I asked if they would talk to him."

"Oh."

"Did you ask them why they were there before giving Ray a 911 page?"

"Well, no, I was worried and just didn't think there'd be any other reason..."

"Uh huh."

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"He's off." He had never heard Neela be so short with Abby.

_Of course she's a bit testy, Ray, think about the situation! _

"I was worried about you, Neela."

"I'm fine."

"I know that's not true, but I won't press the issue now."

It wasn't until then that he noticed how close she had come to him. She leaned on his shoulder as she had so often in the past. Spacing out, he ignored the rest of the conversation between the two women.

"Alright, see you later Abby." Neela stood up straight.

"Oh, wait! Can I talk to Ray for a sec?"

"Sure," she handed the phone to Ray. "Wants to talk to you." Ray took back his phone.

"Do you have a minute?"

"I guess." Neela lay her head on his shoulder again, and he wrapped his arm around her back, pulling her closer.

"It'll be short, I just don't want to forget to tell you. It's a long shot, but do you remember two girls we treated last year? Samantha and Dina."

"Uhhh," he racked his brain, the names did sound familiar, but he couldn't place them.

"Samantha was 7 years old, came in for stitches; Dina had been in a few weeks earlier, for a," she paused to flip through the chart she was holding, "a broken arm and suspicion of abuse."

"Ohhh, yeah, the mother was a drug addict."

"That's the one."

"Social services just came in requesting the charts of these two girls, for the final steps," she sounded excited.

"What?"

"They're going to court to be officially adopted next week."

"That's great!"

"They got to stay together. It's all worked out for them really well. I can tell you more later, if you want, but I know their cases stuck with you, so I thought I'd let you know."

"I appreciate it."

"Ok, see you later."

"Yeah, later." Ray hung up the phone.

"Ray," she looked up at him, "you look like you were in a trauma without a gown, you should probably change your clothes." He glanced down at his shirt, then turned his attention to Neela, staring intently into her eyes.

"I was in a trauma without a gown."

"That wasn't a trauma, Ray, that was me being stupid." She sounded embarrassed.

"I won't disagree with the second half of that," playful wouldn't be the word to describe his voice, but she could tell it wasn't meant as either a joke or an insult. "But it was traumatic for me, so I'm going to call it a trauma." His voice was very soft. Returning to normal volume, "But that is a good idea. I am going to go shower and put clean clothes on."

"I should, probably, uhh, clean up in there first."

"Who's blood is all over my clothes, Neela? I can take care of it." The word 'blood' sounded harsh as he spoke, and it tasted bitter. _Keep your cool, Ray._

"Yeah. Right." She hesitated. "Do you want me to rinse them out?"

"Nah, I'll just let them soak while I'm in the shower." He shut the bathroom door.

Neela walked back over to the couch, pausing to make sure she hadn't gotten anything on it when she was sitting there a few hours ago. Seeing it looked all clean she threw herself onto the couch. Everything came flooding back to her.

**Soldiers…Michael…dead…blood…tears…Ray…**

She closed her eyes hoping that it would all just go away.

Ray got out of the shower, and saw Neela tossing and turning on the couch. He started to walk over to her. _Clothes, Ray. Put some clothes on first. _ He shook his head a little bit. _I must be more tired than I thought I was. _Once clothed, he walked over to the couch, and whispered her name, not sure if she was trying to get comfortable, or tossing in her sleep.

"I can't get comfortable."

---End Part II---


	20. Ray Is Imperfect Too

Do I really need to keep saying it? It's on page one. Look at it. Remember it.

A/N: Ok, I'm feeling like avoiding work. So here's the rest...just FYI…there are 4 chapters in this last part and they are all really short…that's why I'm posting them all at once!

* * *

Part III 

**III.1. Ray Is Imperfect Too**

It had been a year since the soldiers had come to tell Neela her husband was dead. Not much had changed around the apartment, though. They each had their own trials and tribulations, but life basically just carried on. Neela was turning around on the couch, not staying still for more than a few seconds. Ray smiled as he watched her from the hallway.

"How 'bout you go to bed?" She looked up at him questioningly. He glanced at his watch. 18:24.12. "Okay, so maybe it's a little early for that…Food?" He walked over to the fridge.

"Eh…" She sat up.

"We've got some left over…eww, I don't know what that was…" He tossed the mystery food in the garbage. "Here are some peas. And we have some lettuce…and mustard…okay, we're going grocery shopping tomorrow! Sounds like take-out for tonight."

"Sure." She sounded distracted. "You know what I'd get." He smiled. _She always gets the same thing. _She returned to inspecting the scars on her thigh while he called the order in. As of today, they were a year old.

"Twenty minute!" he proclaimed, pulling out some plates in preparation. "Did you ever notice that no matter what you get or what takeout place it is, it's always 'twenty minute!'?" The room was silent. "Neela?"

"Mmm?"

"What are you doing?" he asked while walking over to the couch. He saw she had pulled her shorts up, revealing her scars—her right leg burned from her childhood, and the left striped from her self inflicted actions.

"Just looking." She quickly pulled her shorts back down. They were women's shorts though, so they didn't ever cover much of her leg, which was why didn't usually wear shorts around anyone. But as was the case for many things, he was an exception. He stood over her, leaning on the back of the couch. "Sit," she commanded. He walked around to the other side and dropped onto the couch. Deciding he'd rather recline he pulled his legs up too sliding them behind Neela's back. She didn't seem to mind, and remained seated, pushing him against the back of the couch so she had more room to sit. Her shorts had slid back up and he could see the marks on her left thigh. She had been temporarily mesmerized by something out the window and was not paying attention to him. The first time he touched her leg, she jumped. "Geez!"

"Sorry…" He was running his fingers over the scars, looking at them not as a doctor, but rather out of human curiosity. She watched him. It was oddly similar to when she had first seen his scars.

**I wonder how that one of his healed up…**

The buzz from the door startled both of them, but Neela leaned forward allowing Ray to get up and take care of it. He rolled his eyes and smiled at her. She smiled back.

**There's nothing like a Vietnamese family running an Italian pizza place in the middle of Chicago…serving an American and a British Indian!** The strange mixture of cultures amused her.

"C'mon up" he said pressing the button, unlocking the door for the delivery man. Looking over at the couch he saw her head bent back down, undoubtedly again looking at her wounds. He paid for the food and grabbing the plates he had gotten out earlier off the table, returned to the couch.

They ate in silence for a few minutes before one of them finally took the initiative to turn on the TV. It was an unusually interesting program on the Arctic, narrated mostly by music and not by any voice. It was rather soothing.

Ray finished eating, and noticed Neela had been so captivated by the program that she had stopped eating.

"Neela" he whispered, "don't forget to eat!" That broke her out of her trance and she smiled at him.

"Thanks" she added and poked him in the ribs.

"Just trying to help!"

"You're a smart ass."

"And that's why you love me!" he joked. That got him a smile too. He was pleased.

**All jokes aside, you have no idea how true that statement is…**She resumed eating, and he went back to looking at her leg. This time when he touched her, she didn't move, she just leaned back against his thighs behind her. He was totally enveloped in inspecting her wound, her voice startled him.

"Hey…" He jumped, and she smirked at him, and then got one in return. "How did that one of yours heal up? The most recent one…" He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"How about we make sure you're really all better before we start talking about me, 'kay?" He didn't open his eyes.

"Ray…" She was concerned.

"Neela…" his automatic response somewhat mocking.

"I'm fine; I haven't done it in a year. We both know that. Why don't you want to show me…what'd you do?" **He obviously did something, or else he wouldn't be so defensive.**

_I don't want to deal with this right now. Actually I don't ever want to deal with it. Why does her memory have to be so good? And why must she be so curious? _These traits didn't really bother him, but frustration made him irrational.

"Talk to me Ray…" It was more of a warning than a comfort measure.

"No, Neela, I—" She turned herself on the couch and slid her fingers in the waist band of his pants. She didn't have to pull them down very far to get her answer.

"Ray!" she cut him off sharply, her eyes wide with shock. Then more softly, but just as urgent, "Ray?"

"They're nothing. I'm fine." He pulled her hand up, letting the waistline settle back where it had been.

"That is not fine Ray. Those were not there a year ago, in fact, they look like they weren't there two weeks ago." He sighed. "Open your eyes, Ray, look at me!" He looked at her. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Neela." He sounded resigned, knowing he was going to lose this battle, but still wanting to put up a fight.

"Well, you're going to." She shifted her gaze from his face back to his waistline, and pulled down the elastic again. "We can do this the hard way, and I'll keep asking you questions until I think I have the story straight, or you can just tell me and get it over with." He clenched his jaw. "Talk to me Ray…"


	21. X X X X X

I'm running out of creative ways to tell you...mine, they are not

* * *

**III.2. X X X X X**

"Starting from here," he motioned to his left side, "is a mark for each of the women I've slept with since the night you found out Michael died." She raised her eyebrows, confused and surprised. "I thought maybe if I could see them destroying me, I'd stop."

His promiscuous nature was its own destructive habit, but she decided months ago that sleeping around was better than laying a knife to his skin. Not much better, but better nonetheless. She hadn't realized he was doing both.

He shifted so he was lying on his back instead of his side. Neela readjusted the top of his pants so she could see the string of marks across his body. She could see they faded as she looked from right to left. The oldest mark a little less than a year old, and the newest, she guessed, was from last weekend. She dragged her thumb across the cuts. Her finger sliding smoothly over the old scars, but catching as they got newer and were less healed.

"Oh Ray…" Barely any sound came out as she moved her lips.

"I told myself I'd stop doing it and stay with the first girl who said anything about them." He was whispering. "No one has said anything…"

She stared at him for a moment before looking down. She guessed there were 25 or 30 x's across his body.

**One for each gig they've had in the last year…there are marks all the way across his body, and no one has said anything?!**

"Ray…you promised me you'd stop…" Her hands rested on each end of the row of x's, her eyes settled on his. "What happened? Why didn't you say something?"

"You were doing so well, Neela…you were the one who lost a husband, and you were doing so well…I didn't want to drag you back down."

"That's why we were in this together, Ray. In case the other one started to slip…"

"I couldn't bear the thought of pulling you down."

"Oh Ray…" She leaned down, putting her forehead on his chest. "Ray," her quiet voice further muffled by his shirt, "maybe…maybe you wouldn't pull me down," she looked up at him, "maybe I'd pull you up." He wrapped his arms around her and moved her so she was lying on top of him. Her hands had slid up from his waist under his shirt and were now resting on his chest. Letting her head fall back down between her hands she could hear and feel his heartbeat.

"I'm sorry Neela." His voice was void of all emotion. It was a sincere apology, but his voice was flat.

"What about me, Ray? I said something." She shifted her head to look up at him.

"Yeah," he paused, "you did."

"So will you stop now?" She was both pleading and demanding. He exhaled loudly.

"I guess I will." He tightened his grip on her.

"You better."

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Things only get happier from here...no more sad stuff...I like happy endings, usually...  



	22. Give In

Are they mine? No!

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**III.3. Give In**

"Neela, can you get up?" he whispered after a few minutes.

"Uhh, sure," was her confused answer, and she sat up. Ray slid out from behind her. As he twisted to get his feet on the floor he grimaced, then went into the bathroom.

**Oh. That would be a good reason to get up.**

After sitting on the couch in silence for a few minutes, she wondered what was taking Ray so long. She had heard the toilet flush and sink turn on and off. She got up and lightly knocked on the door. It wasn't shut all the way and she could see him standing at the sink.

"Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, I just— ow! Damn it!"

"Ray?" She pushed the door open a few inches. He was standing at the sink with his back to her. There was a bottle of rubbing alcohol on the counter and some cotton balls—some used, some not. "Ray, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, just a couple…opened up." He knew lying wouldn't going to get him anywhere.

**That would be why he cringed… **She opened the door all the way, went in and sat on the closed toilet.

"Ray, come here. Let me see." He turned to face her. The top of his pants were folded down, and he had pulled his shirt up.

"I'm a doctor too, Neela. I know what I am doing." She could hear his anger rising. She knew he didn't like the idea of being taken care of.

"I'm not saying you don't," she took the cotton ball he was holding before he realized what she had done. "I just want to help you." Grabbing the pocket of his pants, she pulled him over to her. "Like you've helped me." As she sat on the toilet, his cuts were about at eye level. The three furthest to the right looked red and irritated, and had obviously just moments ago been bleeding. She gently wiped the cotton over them. They glistened in the momentary wetness before the alcohol evaporated.

She tossed the soiled cotton into the trash can by her side, and pulled Ray closer to her again. His stomach was inches away from her face. She leaned forward and kissed the X on the far right, then moving to the left she kissed the next one and then the next and continued until she had gone all the way across his body.

He put his hands on the back of her neck and pulled her into him. He could feel her eyelashes brush against the sensitive skin low on his torso as she blinked. She slipped her arms around his waist and he could feel her nails drag across his lower back.

Suddenly, he moved his hands, grabbing Neela under the arms, and pulled her up. Even when she was standing, the top of her head only came to his shoulders. Her head was still only a few centimeters away from his chest. She could hear his heartbeat speed up.

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…ok, so maybe they will become a little more than friends. hehe. note that in the content warning in the initial post I said one of the reasons for the rating was sensuality/sexuality...hasn't really been much...and this is the second to last chapter! 


	23. That Biting Metallic Taste

It's the last time I'm gonna say it (I bet you're glad to hear that!) They. Are. Not. Mine.

A/N: In my opinion I write the dark stuff pretty well. Judging from the reviews I've gotten in the previous chapters, you all agree :) (Thanks!) But I thought I'd warn you, while I like the concept of this ending, it's not the genre in which I do my best writing…Thanks again for reading!

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**III.4. That Biting Metallic Taste**

Her hands traveled up his back and grabbing his shirt on the way past, she pulled it over his head. Sliding it down his arms, she forced him to let go of her to remove his shirt. This movement had led his hands down and they ended up by her waist. He took the opportunity to remove her top as well.

Abruptly, she turned around and started to leave the bathroom, reaching back briefly to grab his arm. She had never been so happy her room was so close to the bathroom. She pulled him the several feet it took to get from the bathroom to her bed.

As they both collapsed onto the bed, Neela rolled so she was again lying on top of him. He leaned in to kiss her, but she shifted so he ended up getting her cheek instead of her lips as he had planned. She slowly trailed soft kisses across his cheek, down his neck and chest until she returned to the slices in his skin. She began kissing them again, starting on the left. As she moved to the right and approached less and less healed cuts she softened her touch, and dragged her tongue across. She could feel the roughness that normal skin shouldn't have, and she allowed the biting metallic taste of blood to fill her mouth.

Ray reached down and pulled her face up to his. It began as a gentle kiss, but quickly became more urgent. With every second that passed each wanted the other more. Ray quickly discovered the taste in Neela's mouth, and hoped that if he kissed her enough he could make that taste go away.

He wrapped his experienced hand around her back and unclipped her bra and threw it to the floor in one smooth motion. He flipped her over so she was pinned beneath him, never once breaking the kiss.

Her arms too short to accomplish what she was trying to do without breaking the kiss, he removed his pants before sliding hers down her legs. Eventually their hunger for each other was sated enough for him to temporarily fall on top of her, and catch his breath. She reached back to the bedside table and opened the drawer enough to pull out the little plastic package. He took it from her before she even realized he had looked up. Getting up on to his knees, he slid on the condom. Almost immediately, she pulled him back down to her.

He'd had plenty of sex before, but being with Neela made him realize that there really was a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love.' He liked this discovery and hoped he was conveying that to her through his movements.

_I cannot believe how much I love this woman._

They continued until they had both been brought over the top, and then lay there breathless. He rolled onto his back and she pressed herself into his side. Her hand returned to the wounds that had brought this on, and she began drawing her fingers back and forth on them again.

"Neela…" She looked at him. "I am so in love with you." He pulled her on top of him, wanting to be in as much contact with her as possible.

She propped herself up on her elbows and said to him, "let's not go to work tonight…" He looked up at her and laughed.

"That's a great idea, but you know we have too. Knowing this is what we'll come home to will make it go faster." He added the second half with a wink.

"Or agonizingly slow."

"Well, maybe we'll just have to break up the shift with a quick trip to lock up." He tried to sound serious, but couldn't hold back a smile.

"A quick trip?"

"Or a few!"

---End part III---

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If you've read all of this and HAVEN'T reviewed yet, this is it, wanna give me your two cents about the whole thing?  
If you've read all of this and HAVE reviewed before, don't let me stop you from doing that more :) 


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